Stop Being Clingy

Lately I’ve had a wake-up call: that I’ve been clinging to my husband and it wasn’t actually the right thing to do. It wasn’t normal and was instead rooted in hurt and fear.

God reminded me to start meditating on “Jesus loves me” in every moment that I was struggling or when my husband was venting his feelings to me to be open and honest or when I felt alone or when I got nervous of the future, etc. I would meditate on that truth throughout the day, continuing to do whatever I was doing. And while I meditated, I noticed a shift in my mindset, that I wasn’t hurt thinking about Joshua doing something without me, or needing a nap when I wanted to hang, or hanging out with his family when I wasn’t there. I noticed I was calmer and not as afraid, that I was more secure in myself and just doing things on my own, hanging with the Lord, possibly how I used to be before marriage, when I didn’t have someone’s attention I thought I had to continue to seek.

Because God allowed me to see the difference in myself when I was meditating, I knew something was wrong. I knew I needed to confess sins of idolization and the fear of being unliked by my husband. The effects from all the times guys would show interest and then stop pursuing me as much or lose interest a few months in seemed to still linger. Watching my parents’ marriage growing up, how my mom seemed to not like my dad or was often angry with him for not doing more or for going to church or for arguing or yelling, made me afraid that that would be me, I would be the unliked spouse. Just as all the guys in my past stopped liking me, I feared it would be the same with my husband. So, my solution: make sure to always stay in his business, where he is, always around, so he’d never forget me, never get a chance to grow distant, never leave me or lose interest. I realize in hindsight that was a flawed plan. I also realize that that very “solution” may be what pushes him away. 

I read in romance novels that clinginess is definitely not the way to go. That’s what would push anyone away. I knew I shouldn’t. I thought I wasn’t. Until God helped me realize, I was.

The hard part now is fighting the fear and the impulse to cling, recognizing when I’m doing it, and feeling secure enough to be okay when I don’t. And that’s going to require more healing, more meditating, more Jesus. 

May He help me continue to rest in and rely on Him. Amen. 

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