My Issues Out in the Open

My husband had surgery last week. He tore his Achilles tendon - well, technically, the surgeon said it ruptured - so he had to get surgery to stitch the tendon back together.

I thought it wouldn’t be a huge deal. Yeah, I had to do the dishes now that he had to rest his leg instead of just cooking, but I didn’t think much would change for me. Oh, and drive him to work and pick him up, but we got used to that when we only had one car just a few months ago. (I did feel bad for him. He was finally enjoying playing basketball after years of missing it, and then this happened.) But what I didn’t expect was the worry that would set in, the pressures, the stress, the overwhelm.

His surgery awakened some deep feelings in me that I didn’t realize were still rooted. We also had to stay with his parents after surgery because we don’t have a bathroom on the first floor and Joshua couldn’t yet walk up stairs, and that revealed some more deep feelings. 

God’s been using this past week to help me recognize those feelings instead of keep the bottled up and wonder what’s wrong with me. Let me lay them out for you what I’ve been feeling since Joshua’s surgery last Thursday:

• I wanted to be there for Joshua every step of the way because I wanted to enjoy his company, make him feel better, and not lose any more time with him than I was used to. Being apart, having to go home and grocery shop and do things away from him, made me upset, because I was used to at least being in the same space as him during those times, and I didn’t want to have to miss any more time with him than I already would while at work. This may have revealed attachment and rejection issues, possibly that I’m still not fully convinced that he won’t run away or that he actually fully and completely loves me, showing that I need more Jesus.
• I wanted to do everything perfectly for him. I didn’t want him mad at me, saying that I’m not doing something right, that his family could do it better. I think it was that deep-rooted lie that he would love me less if I did mess up, that even possibly he’d just quit on me altogether. 
• I was overwhelmed thinking about all the things that I already had to do on top of tending to him and doing things he often did, like do the dishes, help me cook, drive, get anything he needed like water. I had to change his ice, get his food, etc. I wanted to because I wanted to be the one caring for him, but I think that had more to do with my last bullet point than any good wifely intention. We had family around we could’ve asked for help, but neither of us wanted to burden his family any more than we already were by staying there.
• When I was around him, I worried that he was getting too sad, that he may fall into depression, may get addicted to the pain meds the doctor prescribed. And when I was gone, I worried that he may fall and there’d be no one there to help, that he’d neglect icing or eating or doing what he needed because his leg hurt too much or because it was just too difficult for him to do. I worried while forgetting he was a grown man with the Holy Spirit that is always helping him as He is me. (And that Holy Spirit sure did remind me that Joshua was a grown man.)

Who would’ve thought an Achilles tendon surgery done on my husband and not me would lead to revelation, healing, and spiritual growth for me? This shows me that God can really use anything to sanctify us to our perfect selves as it says in James. (See my post on that here.)

Lord, please help me remember this, that You are always there and doing something in the midst of suffering, when I feel abandoned. Amen.